Put Your Whole Self In...an excerpt

I was thirty three when I met the group. My life felt in place. On schedule. I'd slipped the first child out before turning thirty, still managing to sustain my career

There were a few of the usual regrets at leaving the twenties behind. The odd wrinkle was appearing but I had always been one to laugh and cry a lot so what did I expect? I was interested the find out what 'old people' thought about.Old age always held its fears for me so here was a chance to face a few. Besides, these women seemed to be having so much fun in the pool.

To think of 'old age' as a defined state was reassuring. With relief I envisaged it well out of sight over the horizon, way off in the never never when youth is all dried up and there's nothing left but to sit back and wait for death. Like a disease, surely it only affects some people anyway? All those twisted knarled, grey aired, crabby, old people. I'm safe for a good while yet. Maybe I'll never reach that age.

In my do-or-die twenties, forty was the cut off point. I used to think, why live longer? Why would any self-respecting person hang around while life ground to a halt. At the pace I was splattering myself on the world I was sure I would be worn out by then anyway.

As the years nudged me closer to the brink, forty took on a new look. The first surprise happened when a much older friend turned the dreaded age without falling apart. He still talked about dreams and schemes and growing up. Maybe life doesnt deteriorate as quickly as I had expected.

Motherhood bought with it the deepest change. Through broken nights, bleary eyes and consuming reponsibility, I woke up to a purpose greater than myself. I started to daydream myself across the years as companion to my son, as guide, as wise woman....old woman?

When I first looked in at this pool full of older women, I saw color and movement, joy and vitality to replace the grey of my expectations. I also saw reflected in the water my own fear of change that had prompted me in my youth-worshipping years to simply draw a curtain at an arbitary point in the future.now as mother with as almost palatable vision of a progression in my life, I wanted to dive deeper into this pool of experience to understand what lay ahead.The company of these women offered me an opportunity to test the water further downstream.

And I was pregnant again. I was making a further commitment to continuity and growth. With two children I dreamt myself into the role of mother of a family. I was looking for advice, role models and insights.

As our interest in each other blossomed out from the pool, time was set aside to talk together. Thursday was the day we agreed to meet over a morning cup of tea or coffee. Between us we accounted for eight hundred and three years of living! We gathered around what looked like a disused boardroom table which crowded the modest room at the back of the old bank building.This was the original Northcote Community Health Centre. A varied collection of cups and saucers of tea and coffee broke the ice. A packet of Arnotts Assorted Creams passed around the table filling awkward gaps and busying nervous fingers. .I fiddled with an inadequate tape recorder. Thoughts were thick in the air. Why were we all here? Talk about the weather and prices rising was vigorous at first, then came to a natural end. Space was left for a starting point.

I opened my mouth.Then gagged on the first question. My mouth was crammed full of words with no space to chew them into shape. Suddenly I was wary. To ask about aging was to venture into unfamiliar waters, unaware of the depth or undercurrents that could sweep the inexperienced wader off her feet. I was also curious. I had to begin. I started to spray crumbs in all directions. 'How do you feel about being...ol...I mean elder...ly..no...aged..ageing...senior?'

Marjorie set me straight: ' You can just say old you know.'

With her dead straight hair, blunt fringe and ear length bob, Marj carries alot of youth with her at sevetny nine. I was sure she didnt know the thoughts flashing across my mind. Here I was, so much younger, amongst a group of old women. Some might call me middle aged. Not me of course. I wasnt sure where I fitted into the picture but middle aged didnt seem right.

I knew I could rely on Marj for a point of view that would last long enough to warm us up. Meanwhile I could remain the outsider, hiding behing the questions, fascinated by the answers.

'You think when you see older people, some of them will be cranky and crabby, but it's not neccessary that you become like that. That is if you aren't already.'

I flinched and laughed.

'Having seen that in others you can think:'Well, what can I do so I wont be like that? I'll watch myself. And I wont sink into that.' And you dont have to think:'Well, when you get old you cant do anything anymore. You just sit still and nobody wants to come and talk to you anymore'. It's up to you as you grow older to go out and do things. It's up to you as you're growing and ageing all the time to keep some friends around you. Get into activities.'

Marj's words wernt for some far off and distant time, to be filed away to collect dust. She was talking to me. I was surprised. I thought the rules were that 'they' would discuss and 'I' would observe.

'When eventually you are by yourself, then you keep going out. You go to the theatres, you go to the ballet, you go walking, you go for a tram ride and train rides and find groups of people to do that with. And try not to argue with the neighbours where you're living even if you want to kill them off. Go inside and write it on a piece of paper: ' I hate them! They make me mad!' That gets it out of the way thenn so you can still be friends.

You've got to keep all ages mixing with each other. You've got to get the older people into the community with the younger people. I make certain I'm with the preps at school. They cuddle me up when I go into read to them.. [She laughs] The third and fourth graders say, 'Hello Nana!' The fifths and sixths dont see me at all, they walk right past even once they cuddled me up, too. There are still a few who show signs of recognition. And the high school kids that knew me, they just walk right along as if there's nothing there. Absolutely no recognition.[Laughs] This is because they are all maturing and respond differently when they become more independent.

I go off to meetings with younger people, fifty year olds and that age group. Other groups have got young women with their babies which is good, a good mix. Conflict between the ages tends to come up of course. The older ones tend to think they know everything and the younger ones dont. This is typical of life you see. But because I'm conscious of these things I try to balance it up.

I try to push our group forward. I think we've got some answers for other people. I call it 'tinkering with the vintage model to keep it on the road'. This man I was discussing a submission for funding with, the other day, couldnt understand what I meant about massage. I think he thought it just made tou feel all warm and cuddly and nice. I explained to him that it's like when you've got an older car. You havent got the money to buy a new one. So you've got to put time into patching it up here and there, you've got to tinker with it to keep it on the road. That's old age. Thats' what you've got to do as you age. And old people, like old cars, can be useful to the very end. You can learn some actions to stimulate the parts that need it.

I remember the night I was asked to speak at the Mary Owen dinner. I brought a bunch of us from the Northcote Hydrotherapy Group along. I got them in for five dollars rather than the thirty dollars full price.I said to the dinner:'I want to talk about this old womens group. My new womens group.' And I told them how we're all pensioners and we do exercises in the pool, and then onto the massage, and how we get little bits of money here and there, $383 from the Womens Trust and $300 from the Northcote City Council, and how we've talked our way into getting the loan of the council bus for our trips. How we organise ourselves with Stella doing the newsletter, Elsie doing the bus trips, Joyce is the secretary and I am the chief funding hunter. How most of us are in our seventies and eighties and live in our own homes. And we're no longer nobodies living between four walls in a street with no one to talk to. We're important people now. We're not relying on anyone else. W'ere doing it ourselves. We dont take it sitting down. We talk back. And then I said 'And a group of these women are here tonight!' Well the crowd rose to their feet and cheered and gave them a standing ovation. It was absolutely terrific. You see, every one of the women in that room felt part of us winning. You could feel it lifting everyone. We were all part of it. These are our victories.

We have our struggles. We have our disagreements in the group. But that's allright. You've got to have conflict. Life is conflict. You dont make no progress without conflict. The human race has developed because of conflict and challenge. Up till I was about thirty or thirty five I used to think we were about to change the world. It was just around the corner and we nearly had it. I know now that nobody ever does. Biological needs are such that you have to struggle to go ahead. And new things arise all the time that you have to struggle against. And there's always going to be struggle. The struggle between the good and the not so good. Each generation finds its' things that it's going to clash about. And each generation is going to find repression that it's got to fight against. It's a terrible shame that we lose beautiful lilies of the field, the heroes and heroines, in that struggle.

I think that young people have got to stop feeling so frightened about old age. They need to realise that with checking your health all the time, and with a good healthy diet and doing exercises, most of that arthritis and movement problems wont happen. You've got make certain that you stand up straight and do exercises to keep your shoulders back. Diet and exercise are very important. I'm hoping it will come into the school programme.'

Marj finished to a round of applause. Others were edging in, wanting a say.

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copyright meme mcdonald 2002